my soft spot

its a funny thing
how love can be turned into like
i mean
like can be turned into love
and get not a thing
in return
little means nothing
a lot means a hell of a lot less
i miss those days
of love and
care
but it all turns to shit
like life usualy does
it eases my pain
to know
that life and love
only lasts the time
it takes to spend a nickel
i keep thinking
that life means
no no no
but who knows
you told me
we were far from what a relationship
could ever be
and at least for now any way
i want nothing more
than to love you every moment
of every day
and
to wake with you
but with this little time
we have
and this far distance
we keep
colliding
and
clashing
in things.
we never saw ourselves
togethter
we never thought that first fuck
would end up 2 months later
with u being in the same bed
singing songs and
screaming obscenities
its funny
i miss you but i feel
that it will never be returned
cheating
lies
past regrets
everthing that has ever hurt us
and yet
i am infatuated with the way you move
the way you know
where my soft spot is without me not even knowing myself
but with you
its hard to tell you
how i feel
im afraid you wont accept
im afraid you wont quite understand
that life is far from normal
and the hurt
it kills us but
it brings better
i miss you
although
it only been hours.

alcohol and manic depression

i give in
i give up
this is all the same
as it was a year ago.
nothings the same though
far from normal
and still screaming about shoes
in shoes
never the same
who knows.
i left yesterday
or
was it today
all days falling in and out
like they are one
but in all this intimate stuff
i cry at night
and scream in the morning
my hair
no nails
fall asleep for hours
and stay up all night
its like nothing
ive ever felt before
and yet
its so familiar
not to me though
but in this condition
i am far from
what i should be
and you are far
from what i ever meant you to be
and this thing
we call
life is
nothing
nothing to me at all
because were just a series of pictures
repeating ourselves
and changing at the same time
like
mariyln monroe.
and i never believed
life would hit me as
hard as it did
when you said no
and nothing to do with me
life is far from what i wish it was
and yet
i keep wishing it was everything i said it was a year ago.
i dont exactly remember anything
from back then.
although its like im swimming
in a whiskey bottle
and i cant quite get out.
drink yourself to sleep
and never wake back up
i chased a bottle of tylenol
with a bottle of vodka
who knows.

to the mad hatter

for you and the hippie downstairs
share a bond of unmeasurable things
love
loneliness
hate
demise
music is the only way to heal
music is the only way to breathe feelings that yesterday never produced
with your music
you make an old man feel young
and
an young man feel old

music is timeless throughout the ages

free charlie

this is close to the strangest thing ive done in years
writing for no purpose
no meaning
and no cause
and yet i love it
i love the way
my fingers flow
rapidly and
fluently
and all together as one
like as if this has never happened before
its seldom
that i keep it inside
no its not
its seldom that i let it out
i need to
breathe
tell the ghosts to
go away and stay out
for a day
im on vacation
and this trip is like no expierience you have ever seen.
who knows
in the next hell
i might be you antichrist
in the next haven
i might be your charles manson
also
i am his spawn
and i love it.